Questions are Invitations

Sometimes I lay awake without moving, laying on my bed looking yet not seeing, feeling yet been so at peace… often at times its like that moment you taste your favorite cake after months of not having, the tastebuds dance in delight and your whole body knows your eating in celebration, in joy….

This morning I did just that, the laying awake in prayer, not the cake part! 

In prayer for the day before me, for the people around me and for the knowledge of a few families grieving. As I showered letting the hot fresh water run down my face, thinking of those without a basic luxury that I seem to take for granted too often. 

My thoughts again drifted to those who I was to attend a funeral for their mum, were they letting the water wash over them? Letting that living water fill their bodies, run over them; letting it fill those spidery red lines that flow down their checks like an atlas of the world? 

It amazes me how the heart can just keep pumping at times when it feels so broken. 

Arriving at the church, there seems to be people rushing in and out, warm embrace hugs as a sign of ones love to another, offering a silent prayer from one heart to another without a single word express. The Lord house fills of love, that love which needs no words, no actions, no barriers, it is simply present like the Gospels have come to life and been witness in full Glory. A church fill of praise, of joy, of sadness and of union as in sending this loved one home. 

Sitting on the pew in the church, my mind races to the world outside of this… those houses where dishes are stacked on the counter like memories and paint smeared on the walls with marking of time pasting with growth in all forms, along with teenagers sprawling on sofas, watching a reality world on 21 inch screen. Houses filled with siblings chatting leading to the climate point of an argument. Those who sit at the table surround by loved ones to share, to remember, to make wishes and express praises…..

I am left wondering if we actually realize what love is! I dearly know that often love is never expected so much joy or looks glorious in all so different forms. 

The comfort I take, is that no matter how things turn out, 

The reward of loving is in the loving; 

loving is itself the great outcome of loving. 

The success of loving is in how we change because we kept on loving, 

regardless of anything else changing. 

Trusting is a hugh part of the equation, trusting in the Lord who sees the angst, who nourishes the empty places, who hears the unspoken cries and answers. 

I consciously am forever trying not to ask the question why? 

(After all why is not my question to ask at times.)

I have read about how individuals live a life devoted to their grief, also read about the grief cycle and what actually defines as grief. Leaving me to sit with reality, with that relenting pain grief cast upon us and asking hard questions belied a small faith, not enough trust in the Lord and too much focus on the here and now. I believe eternity is what matters, heaven is here now yet one day will be in complete union with our creator. At times I sense that there is unbalance of less to do with flourishing here rather a blind devotion to the right answers, or worry for the Lord not having the answers to the questions held. 

I can see how it might seem easy to sum up life in Bible verses, in parables and tidy lessons without searching too deep for meaning of things. Its like a shortcut to bypass pain, or even an antidote to suffering. 

Today as I listen to loved ones speaking from their heart, giving praise to the Lord for the time they shared with their mother. Recalling those moments that are etched on their hearts with gold thread so the richness never fades. I witnessed love in all forms, creating a beauty that goes beyond sight and sinks into the heart. 

Life is a journey, and on this day I have been gifted small lesson to open myself, not just when referring to grieve of lost one, yet of grieve in all forms. 

Witnessing today, it has shown me that this 

life will ache with emptiness and its OKAY not to rush to fill it. 

It's alright to leave some questions in the book without answers; 

be angry and admit that it feels like not much light is shining. 

Above this though, 

its alright to relent to sadness, to doubt, to loss; 

to succumb to anger to the great and formidable why? 

As to understand that God is undaunted by our humanity. 

When asking the questions, answers are not the reason they are questioned. Sometimes we ask to say - Who are You really, Who are You to me right now in this pain? The questions are a beautiful place to admit a need, not just for answers, but for awareness of who God is. 

Questions are an invitation for the Lord to come to us in our sorrow and reclaim the empty spaces.