Parcel arrival in time Holy Week

This afternoon I arrived home to hear delightful news that Sister said there was a parcel from my family for me. I took one look and knew what it was. I opened it with great joy while thanking the Lord at the very same time. 

The parcel was my duvet sent by my dearest. Its one thing I have travelled with, feather duvet, as no matter where I am I can snuggle up and sleep with great peace and sounding comfort. Its strange how I attach this to a duvet, yet rather I think its one, if nearly the only one, item I own that has been with me on the journey for a while.

How His timing is perfected down to the moment. My mind race wondering how dearest loved ones would know that on this holy week when sleep is hard to embrace, this small item would bring a little hope that I could possibly surrender to gain some rest in order to be the servant Ive been called to be. 

Holy week is upon us; the timetable is packed, the heart is restless in feeling a familiar ache this time each year. The prospect of Holy Week sometimes leaves me breathless, I mean who takes delight or looks forward to spending a week contemplating Jesus last days. I have to confess that Good Friday is one of the toughest days of the year for me.  What is so "good" about the day, Im left amused on the english language play on word meaning / choice once again!

Paraded through Jerusalem to be crucified after six hours of agony… What was so good about that?

Thirty-three is far too young to die, admittedly been very close to home for me. More than this though crucifixion is a horrendously painful death, and to think people got a sense of 'delight' or amusement from watching. This cuts my heart a little to deep, taking myself to that time I am left paralyzed unable to know within my heart what I would do!! 

Would I be next to Mary, on my kneels unable to stand the amount of agony that she must have felt. Have entire body engulfed with pain, sobbing, weeping with an ache of knowing what has to be done. 

Mother Mary Joseph is Elizabeth Prout religious name. I am starting to see why - I can see Mother Mary in her. That moment she said yes to the Lord, just like Mary at the Annunciation; both women respond with the heart "Yes" that had so much more power than is humanly comprehend. 

That moment, in a second, so freely and trusting to lay down her life, her body, her plans, and her fears because she trusted so fully in the Lords will to make her an instrument of His. 

And at the crucifixion this holy week; this shines again, with Mary's response of "yes" lead to her own kind of crucifixion that evening, just as Elizabeth Prout 'yes' lead her on an intimate union with Christ on the cross, bring the same vulnerability that Mary had at His crucifixion. 

It seems hard at times for me to be aware of the sorrow that just makes all bow, while nature seems more radiant for some reason. Sorrow shakes me, like all of us Im sure; it is an unspeakable rattling feeling that can lead to feelings of been lost within one self. Then out of no where natures reflection catches the light, often startling me with some truth. If I can only hold on. A message that so often is said to people, just like at times I wish I could say to Mary and John, "things will be better than you can ever guess, just hold on" 

Or maybe I would be like Veronica, reach out to Jesus in love, courage and follow that inner heart movement that would have been stirring a cry from the moment she saw Him. 

Maybe someone would grab me out of the crowd, take the weight of the cross just for a moment to help. I have often looked at Simone saying that if I was in his position I would have felt honored to help a man, would have felt so deeply moved that in ones hour of need able to do a small act that ease the load even if just for a moment in order for the Lord to give more strength for Jesus to continue. 

YET reality, logic tells me, keeping everything into perspective that Simone understandably might not have felt this way, after all he is unlikely to be Christian, if even heard of the disciples. Possibly Simone was more in a frame of wrong place, wrong time mode. 

Or maybe I would be like the disciples who seem to be more concern about sleep rather than staying awake to pray. I know that the disciples would have been exhausted and in great sorrow, however been in Jesus present did they not learn that the solace, strength to face what is ahead, even if unknown, is through the heart crying out to Father in the source and power of prayer. How did they not embrace this life giving quality? Rise up and pray so that we are able to rise up with strength in the circumstances surrounding us. 

Or maybe I would be just one of the spectators, who bears scars of a difficult or complicated past, who comes week after week, month followed by year sitting in the pews craving more. In the deep dark corner of the heart believing don't have anything to bring to the table therefore just try to blend in. Looking to the right, to the left at what everyone else is doing and just follow suit; setting self aside, thinking its easy way out. 

I have to remind myself throughout the week, the Resurrection is around the corner, its beauty inherent. Each lenten season I always long for the Resurrection to come, with that new life, new birth forming can words can be spoken through my sorrow "Hold on. Trust. Love. Life will change soon, soon, soon" 

Even when the world is falling apart. Our hearts are broken. We are called to enter into the suffering as Mary did. We are called to respond to the Lords faithful love for us, and be courageous to say yes. We are called to use our suffering to grow more intimately with Christ. And we are called to radically trust in His unfailing love, and remain in His love. Because when we fell like no one understands us and we are alone, we can hear the Lord whispering… 

It's hard to be brave, use your gifts. 

It's hard to take risks and fail. 

I see the struggle in your eyes as you tell me you can't step out from where you are into my hands. 

I hear you say you feel inadequate. And your ache to matter but can't seem to move. 

Your fears. 

Your not-enough-ness, 

You feel the cost

Sometimes, handing things over to Lord feels more like loss than worship. 

Its a loss - loss of control. 

Loosen that white-knuckle grip of control - LORD MOVES. 

He isn't waiting for us to let go and trust so that He can cause needless chaos. He is kind. 

He is waiting for us to LET GO AND LET GOD IN - SHINE.