Inspired by Pilates wife

Today my head has been in my book, Vatican II, I eat, sleep and dream about.. well okay not quite yet!! Time has no measure when fully engrossed into the reading material given, seeking for more details, more explantations, more insight to what feels like an event with so many layers that I have not even peeled back one. 

Realizing the day was going to come to a close soon and I had not left my chair, I went for a walk to the lake. To my delightful surprise I saw a pelican, a few of them, standing on the rocks that were showing due to low water. Their delicate design, that long beck that moves with great speed, the neck sack (whatever its called) looks so tender, so thin I just want to reach across and touch it to feel it on my fingers. Awareness this bird is completely out of place, left me wondering how so very often we find ourselves out of place. 

Walking around for the lake for a while, I took the opportunity to sit on the bench watching over the birds, watching as the hot beaming sun danced across the water surface. The birds feathers moved ever so slightly in the light breeze that was blowing through us and their eyes glaring out with the reflecting of my shadow back onto the water surface. 

I realized, sitting there letting my mind drift to youth tasks to sort, what music to seek, what is coming in the next few days, what my loved ones might be doing back home, or overseas. How am I been the face of Christ today, what more can I do for the homeless in my community, what reasons lay before the close door culture, back to vatican and wondering what Suenans was like …. mind drifts fast !! lol

Pausing and stop thinking…. 

I realized that something is simmering in my heart…. underlying the simmering is a feeling which is embarrassingly easy to feel… an ounce of jealousy. (Im sure this is the right word..)

I'm not talking about school yard jealous, nor that angry 'green eye' jealousy that is often thought of instantly when the word jealously arises. The term doesn't have a negative connotation to it. When I was younger I had a set of rules for myself that I would never allow myself to dwell on, and jealously was one! Frankly in my later years my rules lapsed a little yet I always am fast to pick up on the child like jealous connecting to reality fast to say that what I don't have is often easily obtained - addressing the jealousy instantly. 

Im not talking about this kind of jealously …… Jealous though all the same is present … let me try explain…. 

Have you ever had to have a conversation with someone that when you approach them your stomach knots up and you wonder what it is you've done, or what that consequences of your words are going to be?

Its so extremely hard when you have that stirring in the heart to warn a loved one about a situation and they don't respond well. 

Having our ego challenged is not fun!! After all I know for certain that I struggle with pride like so many of us, each in our own way, and we bristle at the call to change direction or admit our wrongs. As that messenger of such truth leads onto a path of questioning if to risk speaking up or just to let it go? As recipient, the question also arises, given in a spilt second at that, if to defend ourselves or apologies for our awareness of wrong doing? 

Do I believe truth when I see it, or do I discard it?

All this leads me to think about Pilate and his wife! Yes thats right Pilate's wife … 

There is little known about his wife, Im not even certain if she believed Jesus was who He claimed to be; however I do know she was influential as the 'governor's wife'. 

On that passover morning there is no doubt that she sensed the pressure building around her husband as spiritual and emotional tensions increased in Jerusalem. That bond of husband and wife in itself is strong enough for her to feel a small amount of what her husband was facing. 

The very fact it was Pilate to judge the one called Messiah, who was brought to him with claims of religious blasphemy, gave the sense his hesitation in early verses in scripture; Pilate was 'greatly amazed by Jesus' refusal to defend Himself against the testimony brought against Him. (Matt27:14) 

Pilates wife appears to deliver an important and urgent message. 

"… while (Pilate) was sitting on the judgment seat, his wife sent word to him, 'Have nothing to do with that righteous man, for I have suffered much because of him today in a dream" (Matt27:19) 

To me, this seems Pilate's wife was beginning to believe. The Lord stirred her spirit in a dream, that experience was so significant that she interrupted her husband's trial to plead with him to rethink his impending choice. God is not exclusive about whom He sues for Kingdom purposes you know!!!!

The rest of the story is known, Pilate didn't heed his wife's warning, nor the stirring of his own spirit. He washed his hands of it all, and we don't know what came of his wife after this important confrontation. 

Being confronted with truth is often inconvenient and sometimes confrontational. It requires a death of ego and self that is painful to our humanity. The opposite though, of ignoring the Truth- We cannot wash our hands of the gospel. The consequences are too great. 

Makes me realize that the stirring of the heart is the Lords invitation, to seek apology, to walk into the open arms of Jesus. The Christ I have encountered daily with His love and grace everlasting shining upon me. 

Bring me back to Jealousy…. Pilates wife felt so much deep passion for the welfare of another who is not even in relationship, or even seen each other yet she acted with a careless of self, this manifestation of tenderness and thoughtfulness about someone else. 

The jealously within me brings me closer to the Lord, just with the sheer realization or a little more understanding of how deep His love is for me, His feelings for us run very deep for Him to feel so hurt we give our heart or time over to another. 

Right or wrong I always envision like Im the fiancé of Jesus so He looks upon me with the same special way like a lover or spouse. Knowing the depth of the Lords jealousy, the depth He is hurting when I give my heart to other things, motivating me away from Him leaves me laying in shame, giving me that feeling of a knot in my stomach, twisting. I have two options, look to the truth that more devotion on Him and more careful to keep Him first priority and number one love in my life or… be like Pilate witnessing the consequences.