Where is my hiding place?

I am behind in my blog posting, there are so many post that need to be written. As I sit down starting to write one about author Margaret Silf, who I was so privilege to get to attend a few of her talks and wish to share her wisdom with you all,  my mind has raced away…. so shift in blog post….. 

I received an email from my mother this morning, it contained a lot yet one thing that brought a heavy weight of sadness was this line she wrote about her concern for me "my hope….you have not used the church as a hiding place" (which I take heart to know the words are spoken out of love)

It brought sadness with the realization that my mother has no idea who her daughter is or has become. 

The realization that she views the church as a hiding place in negative context is disheartening, while I see it as the only place God wants me to hide is behind His blood. Behind His blood! In the light! This is Holy ground! Take off my sandals, strip down, get naked behind the blood of Jesus is the call I hear, the call so often made to all Christians.
For me the word hidden actually means to be transformed, to be true to oneself, empty self in order for Christ to refill each and everyday, which is the most divine and beauty of the Eucharist. 

I feel like saying to her that does she not realize that all those years ago when I was hiding from Him because of lacking grace, mercy or lack of awareness in myself and even lack of acknowledgement of Lord as creator; I turn to embrace a world that feels so superficial, so unfulfilling. The Lord called me and I answered Him, He has clothed me, he has given me the food I need, the food he has made to nourish my heart, my soul, my roots, his beautiful creation that is a reflection of him. 

The reaction my mothers words have caused within me leads me to scripture to bring me home, bring to back communicate with Christ about where my heart sits in this. 

I think of that psalm "Have mercy on me O God, have mercy on me"… I recall hearing, repeating this words over when in day chapel at the Cathedral. Its an odd thought which lead me to the psalms… 

'Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, 

for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, 

until the destroying storms pass by. 

I cry to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me. 

He sends help from heaven and saves me.

 He punishes those who chase me. 

God sends me his love and truth."

(Psalm 57:1-3)

I guess the disaster that David speaks of is Saul's pursuit of him. Saul wants to kill David because he can see that God is with him. This highlights very boldly believing in God doesn't make us immune to trouble. Lets be honest, there are many instances in David's life when trouble seems to follow him. Its no different in our lives and I feel very blessed to be able to acknowledge this and have a place of safety, comfort and help in my time of need. In hiding in busyness, which is very common in present society as Merton has taught me, if we don't have time to think, don't have time to focus on 'lost dreams' hide in pride can lead to each time spouting off about someone else's 'deficiencies'… the sense of power that comes with that… its like a strong undercurrent that you can't pull yourself from. How awful that insecurity shows up that way, at the expense of others who are only trying to make their way through their day, just as I am or David was. I thank God for the awareness of my hiding place, with the awareness comes a lot of work!!!!

Maybe my mother is asking the question "where do I run? where is my hiding place?"opposed to her making judgement,  I think maybe she should be asking me where is the hiding place I run to to take refuge? 

Davids favorite hiding places were among the caves, but they weren't his only hiding places. He also hid himself where he found his help; as the psalm says in the shadow of Gods wings. 

I pray that you are like me, you run to God in times of help to finding more than a hiding place. I find peace, rest, after all God's presence changes everything! It changes fear to faith, or anxiety to peace, discouragement to confidence and danger to safety. Lets not forget his love, mercy, his grace oh how his presences is more than words can portray.

David writes about seeking refuge in the shelter of God's wings four times in the psalms, the final time he writes 

"Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings" (Psalm 63:7) Even when life was on the line David could sing, rejoice and hold tight to the promise of God because he had seen the Lords faithfulness. 

Which makes me realize that no matter what I go through, storm, flood, dark cloud, whatever I name it, I can always confidently run to God. Holding the truth in my heart which as David teaches me, I too will find a voice to sing with from the shadows!!

I try to view the church as a hiding place, it may appear there are so many hiding places….. behind some lies, behind thoughts, behind procrastination, behind the television, finger pointing, pride, selfishness, anger and impatience, behind past, behind 'good intentions', comfort, darkness …. "But if we walk in the light as he is light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus his son cleanses us from all sin" (1John 1:7) 

Therefore I proudly say that yes I do hide behind the church and at times its scary to do this, yet so fulfilling and the only truthful place that my heart is open and I am filled with a voice to sing beyond the shadows, beyond the church so my hiding place actually in reality is the opposite to hiding its invisible, no barriers, no hiding behind anything!!! 

I don't think that Im unique in this, a lot of people have the church as their hiding place which is a beautiful gift the Lord has given. The only limitation is an individual allowing themselves to come to the table, to take off their sandals, leave their barrens at the alter to be clothed, washed and feed with way, truth and life that Jesus has given us all.