Scarcity mode or abundance

Thank you to you all, for the prayers, wishes and messages of love over the past month. I feel very blessed and heart full of gratitude.  

To others who were not aware, about a month ago I had minor eye surgery which left me without sight in the right eye for the past month. This will explain my rather laps in writing on the blog. It is only now that I test the waters to see if I can with stand screen work for more than five minutes ;o) Thursday we find out if we can have full sight again!! 

It was a rather sudden decision, been refer to a specialist then having a day notice before the surgery, only to ensure recovery was meet before we travel, and also so it happens before the surgeon travelled. Therefore, my apologies for not notifying many people, we kept this close to home this time. 

I have to admit that this time the challenges were very different and a lot deeper in terms of my response to them. The surgery itself was no problem, the three, four days after were mainly sleeping the hours away. It was rather the time after this that presented a lot of challenges. With instructions of no exercising, no lifting, no intense lights and so forth, left with the feeling of don't list bigger than that of do! 

My sight in the left eye is very week, therefore not having contact lens in that eye too results in near blindness leaving only one option - rest within environment Im fully aware of.

It is a strange thing to try explain what not having sight is like, more so when your aware that a simple modern miracle of a contact lens can give you full sight in an instant!

Confronting the whole situation was a little different, I felt like the surgery was a gift, it was to help the eye slow down progression of thinning therefore this past month has rather been a large gift wrapped up in pure sunflowers and singing birds. Giving a response of seeing in different forms and relaying rather on my environment, people I meet to give me this sight through their eyes. No easy task!!

As I started to wear my contact lens in the left eye I was left with a sense of wondering about the feeling of the need to live life in scarcity mode rather than one of abundance. Looking around taking in every detail, all the colours in the garden, the faces I have only seen through words, try to read the articles and books I knew awaited my devouring…. until a little time later the eye is over worked and leaving a sense of my attempt to control and operate out of abundance has a rather large draw back. 

The past month I have missed one thing more than anything - gardening. Its change in season here, highly aware of the fast moving moment to trim, prep and ensure the plants are ready for the chill that is about to hit upon them. It was during the first week I asked Sister when I would be able to garden, she just smiled without any reply as aware I knew the answer. Then the next day I asked the same, she said not until you see the surgeon again! All I could do was laugh, how funny that the thing I want most to do is be in the garden… 

The other day I walked around the back garden, looking at the plants that coming into winter mode, a little thankful that I can not see the close detail of weeds appearing. I have missed dearly not having my hands in the soil, developing the small plot of land covered in stone awaiting a loving hand to remove it to breath new life. 

I liken the garden as a sacred space. God welcomes me there, and shows me that it’s okay if the plants grow in old shapes, or weeds peek out from the exposed soil. He shows me that it’s okay that I forget to shade the young seedling plant that is starting to harden by the winter change that blows crisp chill during the day and leaving abnormal minus degree dew on its branches in the morning air. You see, in the garden I can see beyond that of what my eyes offer me, I can see a reflection that bounces so playfully from my heart to that of pure creation / creator reflecting back at me. 

In turn means that when one can not see, see only darkness, it is a challenge not to let that seep into ones soul. A physical darkness is no reflection of the soul!

There is a sense of light that comes from peoples voices. You can see within them, leaving yourself vulnerable at times, near helpless in offering a hand, while they reflect back a light that shines within, colours that no sight can gift you. 

As I stood in the garden that day, staring through my limited sight pondering how this past month has shaped me. I was left feeling a sense of that relationship between scarcity mode and abundance.

Leaving me with that sense of at times living in a state of scarcity and filling every empty space leaves me clawing my way through life - I see this more so before I entered religious life, that struggle in daily grind. I can identify that its out of fear that scarcity creeps in. It can be easily live out of, out of the clawing, the digging deeper, and running self ragged. If I can’t offer up my gift perfectly I’d rather hide it away, as my brain tells me. This record was common at one point on my journey, which I sense it is a record that others have purchased into too. It lead me to walking the tight rope of perfection, working to achieve a status given to me by people instead of my sweet Jesus. 

You see, I know deep in my ache, my empty table, my song unshared, my canvas hidden in my closet, all of this “art” waiting to be shared as an offering has a risk. A lot of the time, I feel more safe keeping the ache to myself, withholding the bouquet for fear of ridicule or justification. Its easy to fear sharing my table because at times its a little messy… 

This leaving a sense of challenge, to consider how much I encourage the gifts I see in those I love. We all see beauty in those we love and are often blessed and strengthened when someone takes the time to share beauty with us. Are we encouraging them to grow that beauty? Let’s speak truth to each other. If you see something unique in your friend of your child, encourage it. If you notice that they frequently speak about something they love, ask them questions. Remind them that they have purpose and beauty and the opportunity to make a difference with their unique gifts. Encourage them when they are tired or discouraged, and they feel like cultivating something beautiful or significant is too hard. Walk with them in those moments so that they don’t lose heart. Hand them a metaphorical vase of something they have grown and shared with you. Take the time to tell them. And in doing so, you will be planting and harvesting your own gifts. Amazing how God uses our gifts to bless others, but somehow in His mercy blesses us too when we share them. 

The Lord presents opportunities, small windows of fresh crisp air directly into our souls for us to embrace, transform and come close to the one He has created us to be. It is been able to acknowledge, been open more importantly to leaving your heart ajar for the spirit to move in, for action to flow from the creators soil within our heart. The journey has taught me a lot while still I store my gifts at times, everyday trying to be more open, more giving and more aware of his hand shaping my heart, speaking his words, been his hands and eyes. 

The thought came while standing in the garden- 

But what if instead of operating out of a mode of scarcity, we begin to see the abundance we have in our broken hallelujahs?

I came across this prayer which I believe rather puts things into focus, offering the perfect words in the right places. I ofter this prayer for those of us who need the Potter’s hands to transform our clay souls of scarcity into a vessel of abundance…. 

Lord, Our Maker, 

Our blank canvases, our clay caked garden souls don’t overwhelm you. 

As we, your children scurry, trying to clean up our mess, 

You patiently stand there waiting for us to invite you in. 

Oh Father, you delight in helping us, even when we make the mess. 

We binge eat our art, hoard our offerings in our closets, 

because we have believed the lie “You Are Not Enough” 

Oh Father, we invite you into our art studios, our gardens, 

our kitchens, into the bedroom of our souls, where we take the muck and the mire, 

and offer it up like the wretched man who beat his chest and cried to you, 

“I’m not worthy” 

You called this worship. 

You are the one who provided honey our of the carcass of the lion. 

You are the one who gave the woman at the well a new name. 

You are the one who opens up our closets and pulls out the ashes to make beauty. 

You are the one who turns deserts into gardens. 

May we not hoard our art, our stories for fear of rejection. 

Rather, may we freely offer out of abundance, because You are

the Good Shepherd who never leaves anything to waste. 

You prepare the table before us and you invite us to come to eat with you. 

Edwin Mooijaart Photography