The rising of the cloud, one foot in front next

Image sadly not mine -its from Jason Freeman - GoWild Images AU.

My three months of silence has been no reflection of what is going on in life. I have to admit that the coming down from the mountain peek to the valley has been a journey and a half. While there has been many moments of joy over the past three months there has been a continuous tone of grey surrounding me. 

I feel that I have taken time to pray for a bubble of peace to surround me so one foot can be placed in front of the other. I’m sure a lot of people on the journey have had this experience. 

While your have to forgive me for not writing about it, trying to take wisdom, gift or grace - whatever term you wish to use, at times its simply hard! 

In truth it was rather largely unprompted, as my life is wonderful. I have everything I’d ever hope for and tripled. A solid growing relationship with the Lord, a real belonging to community with empowerment to reach out, a gifted environment, while not on the land I come from, it is still a blessed place to stand. I’m very blessed, while at the same time questions lead to answers I was not ready for. Contradictions, words constructed together in ways I would never use terms to express or explain. 

In truth apart of me started to lose hope, at a time any outsider looking in would see everything as golden. A challenging season as I try to wrap my mind around forever. I experience the mental collapse caused by the impossibility of that endeavour. The icy fingers of doubt wound their way around my heart and I feel unsure and strange sense of aloneness. 

I take comfort to know that while my hope isn’t based on anxious wishes for nothing bad to happen. As our broken world guarantees that bad things will happen, but its as a song puts it “making us slaves to fear” There is only trust that whatever hardships or sorrows arise in this life that they will be brief in compassion to eternity. There is trust that all suffering will achieve an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 

The other night I stood in the church alone, surrounded by an air of stillness, dim coloured lighting sent my eyes straight to Jesus, embracing, engaging with the strong reminder that regardless of its uncertainty in life, the power of the empty tomb within me, and what the promise of that to come. With my heart set firmly on the things above, I can lay down my life at the foot of the cross and live with unshakable hope. Its this small step that offers the invitation to once again engage in the inner dialogue, to rise above all the cross linked, contradictions that I struggle to engage in, or even open myself to at the risk of my small spark been put out. 

The contradictions of worlds around me at times gets to much. The invitation to view anything or put prayer to everything is a heavy prayer, leaving longing for stillness around me. I feel the pressure of modern culture, always going, never stopping, instant answers, structural approached has certainly creeped over into religious life. Making it a reality that hearing from the Lord is not often easy. Not because the Lord isn’t speaking, but because His voice is most often quiet, subtle, barely more than a hushed thought that drifts through our mind, or a strange flutter in our belly when we read a certain passage of scripture, or hear a certain word spoken in such a way that without prompting or effort it embeds itself into our heart. 

Hearing from the Lord isn’t a science. There’s no formula or prescription we can follow - much to disappointment at times - there’s no rubric by which to gauge our effort. Hearing from the Lord requires a measurement of faith. It requires active listening. It requires paying attention. 

I guess as I take this first step back into writing once again, that its with a sense of encouragement to watch and listen for the Lord’s movement within my own life. Paying attention - real attention when its time to go forward into the next thing, or into some territory yet revealed, go with faith, trusting that the Lord leads on for His glory and for own good, whether we know it or not.